


I hate you, but I love you

by NoahxDingle



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Family, Love, M/M, Noah’s gay, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:35:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29661858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoahxDingle/pseuds/NoahxDingle
Summary: He put the knife in his handAs tears rolled down his faceHe dug into his heartBlood stained his beautiful skinBut he was happyRed was his favourite colourRight?
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden, Charity Dingle/Noah Tate, Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield, Noah Tate & Danny Harrington, Sarah Sugden & Noah Tate
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Quick inside into the past of Noah and Danny, plus Robert and Noah scenes, the bond we never got

It was a couple years back when Noah met Danny, he was 15, Danny was 16. He’d never really thought about love until he met him, he didn’t really care before, Noah had watched enough of his mums blow up in her face, he didn’t want to go down the same route.

He met him at a school party and it wasn’t long until One night, turned into 2, which turned into 4 and progressed to a lot more. Both of them were hurt by their parents, Danny’s more physical and Noah’s more mental. It was fun while it lasted, sneaking off to be with eachother, Noah didn’t really know why he’s always kept it such a big secret from his family, I mean half his family were gay, and he admired Aaron and Robert, plus his mum and Vanessa, but deep down he just wasn’t ready, that’s why he chased after Leanna, to prove to himself he wasn’t, when there was really no need, but 2 years later he still hasn’t told anyone.

He’s never really trusted anyone with his feelings, maybe when he was younger, but anyone he has trusted threw it back in his face. But Danny didn’t, Danny listened, he cared, they shared their problems. But then his dad found them, he was drunk at the time, they both were, they should have known better than to go back to Danny’s house.

Danny’s dad stormed into his room, he was angry and grabbed noah by the neck and threw him on the floor, then went for Danny, Noah knew that his dad was dangerous and he’d hit Danny before, he saw the fear in Danny’s eyes as they stared at eachother. His dad grabbed his sons hair and banged his head of the wall violently, it was enough to knock him out, Noah screamed at him.

“Stop, please stop”

“Don’t even talk to me you little faggot, do you know what you’ve turned my son into”

Noah remembers the anger he felt he was ready to explode, he left off the floor, he should have known better than to take on a muscly man who was twice the size of him, Danny’s father punched him in the face and kicked him in the stomach. 

The pain surged through him, the punch on the stomach winded him as he struggled for a breath, he grabbed his stuff quickly and ran down to the front door taking two steps at a time, he heard the laughs of Danny’s dad, and him singing faintly behind him 

“Run faggot, run faggot, run run run”god how He hated that man, he made him feel anger he never felt before, and that he still feels two years later.

He doesn’t really remember much more from that night, he stopped at the corner shop and got himself a bottle, it’s all a bit blurred, all he remembers is wandering round the back streets of Leeds, sitting in the pavement behind some bar, when Robert spotted him.

“Noah”

Noah looks up dizzily, it takes him a while to realise who it is

“Oh hi Robert” he says drunkly 

“Oh my god, what happened, did you get mugged, are you hurt” Robert says worriedly 

It kinda took him by surprise, Robert and him hadn’t really got on the same from the whole joe thing

“Right, let’s get you home” Robert sighs while slinging one of Noah’s arms around his shoulders and helping him walk to the car 

“I’ll call your mum” 

“No, no you can’t do that,”

“Well what do you want me to do” Robert shrugs as he puts on Noah’s seat belt, who knew Robert sugden could be such a big softie 

“Hello Noah, what do you want me to do” 

Noah just looks at Robert, in a drunk state 

Robert sighs 

“Mine it is then, your in luck mr dingle cause I’m home alone tonight”

Noah sits in the front of the car, staring at the sky, he’s so drunk he doesn’t even know where he is, he just see’s lights and stars. 

—————

Noah doesn’t know how long it was until the car came to a stop and he felt Robert lifting him out of the car.

Robert sets Noah on the sofa and sits beside him

“Jesus Christ Noah, what the hell were you doing” as he looks at Noah’s black eye, bleeding nose and burst lip

“Robert” Noah looks at him

“Yeah”

“I feel, feel, like I’m gonna-“

Before Noah even finished his sentence, Robert grabbed the bin beside him and shoved his face in it.

“That’s it, get it all out” Robert said as Noah was violently sick in the bin

“Right come with me” Robert grabbed Noah’s hand and dragged him to the sink

“Hold your breathe” he said as he shoved Noah’s head under the cold tap

Noah felt the cold water hit his face, it stung on his cuts, but made his face feel refreshed and soothed his swollen eye.

Robert lifted Noah’s head up after about 30 seconds, as Noah breathed heavily trying to get his breath back, 

“Better”

Noah nodded as Robert handed his a glass of water and two paracetamol

“Now get that down ya, get some sleep I’ll get you an old t shirt of mine so you can change out of that blood covered top and I’ll talk to you tomorrow”

Noah was kinda taken back a bit, he didn’t know if it was cause his head was still spinning or that Robert sugden had just went full on dad mode on him


	2. I loved him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set the day after in January 2019

Noah’s been awake for ages, his face was wet from tears ,staring at the wall, thinking about Danny, it all hurt so much more now, his thoughts were blocking out the pain of his face and stomach. He was worried, for Danny, with his nutter of a father.

They needed eachother, sharing all their problems to eachother, it made them happier.

He heard Robert come down the stairs, so he buried his head under the duvet and pretended to be asleep.

He felt roberts eyes looking at him, as he sat on the end of the sofa.

“Noah” he cooed

“You awake mate” Noah opened his eyes and sat up slowly Robert stared at him, long and hard

“Have you been crying”

“No, just get off my case yeah, I’ll get my stuff and I’ll go” Noah sulked

“Hold on a minute matey, you said you’d tell me what happened and I’m not letting you go till you tell me everything” Robert said firmly as he nudged him

“I don’t need to talk, to anyone ok, if you wanna council someone council your suicidal husband, but just leave me alone” Noah started to raise his voice

Noah quickly looked at Robert, he immediately regretted what he said cause he saw the anger in his eyes.

“Don’t you ever talk about Aaron like that again” Robert snapped

“Ok, I’m sorry ok, that just came out wrong”

There was a moment of silence 

.......

“So...” Robert sighs

“So.. what”

“Look Noah I know you think I’m sticking my nose in, but I’m concerned ok, I mean I found you drunk, behind a bar, beaten up, and if you don’t talk to me I’ll have to talk to your mum”

“What would be the point in that, she wouldn’t even care”

“I’m sure she does Noah, she just has a funny way of showing love, like it’s not exactly like she was shown much of it when she was a kid” Robert couldn’t believe he was defending Charity dingle

“I just don’t trust her Robert, I mean I love her, she’s my mum, but she’s broke me again and again, lied to me my whole life, made fake promises that she can’t keep and then on top of that she doesn’t even notice me half the time”

Noah felt the heat rise in his eyes the boiling tears all ready to spill out, but he feels if he does so, there will simply be a flood.

Robert knew Noah was forgotten and neglected, I mean he’d lived with him and looked after him for a bit. He felt for him cause he knows what it’s like, he’s not surprised the kid has trust issues.

“Yeah but she’s getting better though isn’t she, Vanessas really changed her Noah, I’m sure you can see that”

“No, nothings really changed and the only reason she is trying the tiniest bit more, is because she probably wants to prove a point to Vanessa and I can’t deal with everything right now, not with Danny and everythi—“ Noah stops his sentence as Robert looks at him

“Is there something your not telling me” Robert asks suspiciously as Noah goes shifty

“No”

“So you tell me why you’ve suddenly turned into mr shifty”

Noah felt the anger boil up inside of him, thinking more about the night before, telling anyone about it made him feel physically sick, the words his dad shouted at him ring loudly in his head. Blocking out everything.

_**”run faggot, run faggot, run run run”** _

”noah” 

_**”look what you’ve turned my son into”** _

“Noah are you listening to me”

_**”run faggot, run faggot, run run run”** _

”leave me alone” says as he curls up in a ball

_**”run faggot, run faggot, run run run”** _

”please, please LEAVE ME ALONE” noah starts to raise his voice 

“Noah, calm down it’s just me” Robert says as he goes over to hug him

”DON’T TOUCH ME” Noah screams 

_**”look what you’ve turned my son into”** _

“No, no, no, you hurt him”

”who hurt who Noah” robert concerns, but Noah’s not listening 

_” **run faggot, run faggot, run run run”**_

noah holds his hands to his ears 

“STOP” he screams at the top of his lungs as Robert grabs his arms and yanks him towards him.

”snap out of it” 

Noah looks at Robert as he holds his arms to make them face eachother. Noah’s shaking, he’s never felt like this before.

”I’m ok, I’m fine I swear” Noah said calmly 

“No Noah your not, who hurt who”

noah takes a deep breathe, he needs to tell someone, confide in someone, 

“can I trust you Robert, to keep this between you and me” Noah looks at Robert, he’s deadly serious

”yea, yeah of course Noah”

noah hesitates, but finally speaks

”I’m with someone”

”okay...”

”and, and his, his name is Danny”

”your gay”

”and—“

”and that’s okay noah, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, you are your own person. I mean half your family is gay, why would you be scared to say anything about it”

”becau-, because it’s a bit more complicated than that, I just don’t feel ready, to say anything” Noah looks at the floor while Robert sits beside him and puts his arm around him.

”that’s okay too, you can’t come out when you want ..... but it stilldoesn’t explain last night”

”you, you see the thing is Danny and I have been sneaking off or hiding somewhere to be together, sharing our problems and feelings”

”yeah, go on”

”well one of Danny’s problems is that his dads an alcoholic, he can be violent at times, but he’s also very homophobic”

”oh shit, I see your problem, is that why you’ve kept it a secret, to protect him”

”well yeah kinda, but you see last night we were a bit drunk, and we stupidly went back to his place were us dad was, he came in on us kissing—“

noah stops, he feeling a large lump form in his throat that stops the sounds come out of his mouth

”and” 

“and he got violent, he smashed Danny’s head on the wall, knocking him out, I was just angry I thought for a split second that I could take him on even though he’s twice the size of me”

”was it him that did this to you”

they look at eachother 

“yeah, but it wasn’t that, that hurt me, it was the names he was calling me, the things he was saying, it hurt, a lot”

noah can see Robert getting angry now too

”what did he say”

”he called me a, a faggot and blamed me for turning his son into one, then started laughing when I ran away”

Robert stood up abruptly, god how it pissed him off when people were like that, if he got a good hold of that git he’d make sure he never did anything like that again.

”right noah, I tell you what you do, you call Danny, bring him over here and yous can do something together, liv and Aaron aren’t due back until tomorrow, I’ll leave yous to it for a bit and yous can get a takeaway or something” Robert knows what it’s like to be madly in love with someone who helps you, and seeing Noah be in a relationship with someone like that at such a young age makes his heart over fill with joy, if he’d been given that chance at that age, he would have been double the man he is now.

”really, you’d do that for me” Noah seems almost automatically happy

”yes, yes I would” Robert smiles at Noah 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment what you think, I’m just making up a whole new storyline, and don’t worry vanity will be in this a lot aswell


	3. I have to let him go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Danny’s POV

Danny woke up the next morning, as the sun shone through the gap in the curtains, he felt the throb on the side of his head, where blood had trickled down.  
It took him a moment to remember were he was, but it wasn’t long before memories came flooding Back.

He saw blood on the floor, it must have been Noah’s, he was scared, cause he knew exactly what his dad was like, and what he was capable of. 

He got up slowly, stabilising himself on the door frame, he slowly and quietly crept down the stairs, trying not to make any noise, he needed to see Noah, make sure he was ok, but as he grabbed the front door, he felt a heavy hand on his shoulder.

“Where the hell do you think your going.. gay boy” his father belted at him, Danny felt the words cut right through him, it made his heart fall but he was also trembling, in fear of what felt like giant man in front of him.

“Please dad, I’m sorry, listen to me, hear me out”

He laughs in his face 

“I want you rid of that blonde skinny dyke, and I want you out”

“What did you do to him, did you hurt him”

His father comes close up to his face, he can feel his alcohol riddled breath tingle his nostrils 

“I did Nothing I won’t do to you now” 

the massive arms grabbed Danny and flung him on the floor, he then saw the giant fist fly towards his face and BANG, the pain made his eyes water, he did know which was worse the fact that his dad did it or the pain of getting punched in the face, he then felt the throbbing pain form in his side and his dads boot hit the surface of his skin.

This time he just lay there, closed his eyes to stop the tears from falling out, he lay there and waited for the footsteps to leave.

“IF YOUR NOT OUT BY THE TIME I COME BACK, ILL DO ALOT WORSE THAN RUFFEN YOU UP.......DON’T COME BACK UNTIL YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A WOMAN” his dad shouted before slamming the front door 

Danny rolled up on the cold kitchen tiles in a ball, he dug his head into his knees and let the tears fall out, he thought about the happy times he had, with his mum before she died, he knew he would have accepted him for who he was and she would have loved Noah just as much as he did.

—————-  
~Back at the mill~

Noah sits on the sofa, still in Roberts oversized t-shirt, waiting for him to come back from the shop, he stares at his phone, not knowing when is a good time to call. 

His palms are sweaty, and he’s nervous, but he goes for it, he just grabs the phone and dials Danny’s number 

“Hello, Noah is that you” as Noah hears Danny’s voice he feels his heart rate start to rise 

“Hello, Noah you there, are you ok”

“Yep, yeah of course , are you ok, do you want me to meet” Noah feels nervous all of his words are just spilling out at once 

“Look Noah, I’m sorry, we aren’t gonna work” Danny feels a lump in his throat, like the words aren’t coming from him, like his dads controlling him if though he’s not even there

Noah feels the heat in his eyes, the boiling steamy hot water, about to just all tumble out

“What, why, you said, you promised me, we were gonna be there for eachother”

Danny doesn’t feel he’s had to say something this hard in his life, holding back the tears he tries his best to sound in bothered and sarcastic, but Noah’s broken voice on the other end is breaking him apart 

“Don’t you get it noah” Danny has to take a second “you were an experiment, some mates bet me money, and you know me I’m desperate for money, I’ll do anything for it”

Noah doesn’t know what to say, he was used, hurt and yet again abandoned 

“Wait your saying that I, that I was a bet, but the promises, the secrets, all those nights we spent together” Noah suddenly feels a mixture of anger,

“, god how hard is that to get through your thick skull, I never loved you, how could I, all you are is a runt and that’s all you’ll ever be, your just a disaster waiting to happen and I swear to god Noah, you ever phone me, text me or even talk to me, I’ll tell everyone just how sad Noah dingle really is”

Danny hung up quickly

Noah felt like a brick had been just dropped through him, like someone has went and gave him another punch in his face, he felt shivers flow through him, his sweaty palms had suddenly went cold and he felt like he was gonna pass out.

“No, no, no it’s happening again, someone else, another person, the lies, the fake promises” Noah whispers to himself as he slides of the sofa onto the floor in a ball, as Robert walks into the mill looking cheery 

“I got you a few bits a Bobs for tonigh—“ he stops as he sees Noah curled up on the floor 

“What’s wrong” he said as he dropped the bag and ran over to him 

“I, I wa, I was a bet” Noah’s eyes fixed on the wall as Robert looks at him 

“He said he didn’t love me, that he didn’t care, it was all for the money”

“I’m sure that’s not true” 

“No, no it is, he told me”

Noah grabs his hair and pulls it like he was trying to rip it out 

“GOD HOW COULD I BE SO FUCKING STUPID” he shouts 

“Noah mate calm down, please calm down”

“Agghhhggggggghhhh, again and again I fall for peoples lies, their fake promises, it’s, it’s like I never learn”

Robert doesn’t say anything, he simply pulls Noah in for a hug as he cries into his shoulder and holds him close

“That’s right, let it out, just let it all out”

—————  
~back at Danny’s house~

He felt shakey, hurt and scared, it was almost like it wasn’t him saying those words.

He cradled his wet face him his hands as he cried on his kitchen floor, knowing he’d just got rid of the one person who showed him any live since his mum died. 

All for what, so that he could stay with his abusive dad who beat him half to death, who didn’t even live him, I mean it’s not like Noah wouldn’t have let him stay with him, at least then he wouldn’ve felt love.

But Danny knows deep down that it’s too late to make up now, not only has he completely shattered any trust Noah had for anyone, but with his trust issues, he wouldn’t even believe him.

Danny spotted a half drunken bottle of vodka on the side of the cooker, he was about to grab it as he heard his dad come through the front door.

“ARE GONE YET GAY BOY” his dad bellowed through the house as he laughed 

His dad stumbles into the kitchen

“Did I not say I wanted you gone”

“Dad listen, you don’t understand, you aren’t listening”

His dad looks him up and down 

“Wot” he spits 

Danny feels the poison bubble up in his lungs, like they are gonna collapse if he says another word.

“It was a bet, my friends said they’d give me 50 quid if I kissed him” as if it wasn’t hard enough to say the first time round, it was even harder the second

His dad let’s out a disturbing laugh 

“Oh my fucking days, ya know I actually thought I’d raised a wee queer for a second” his dad wheezed still bellowing a loud laugh

“Ha ha yeah” Danny awkwardly laughs trying to join in, but clearly still in pain 

His dad puts his arm around him, 

“I’ll tell ya what son, I am sorry for goin off the head at ya there, so how about we get a take away, and some drinks in, with that 50 quid” his dad was still giggling a bit

Danny thought for a bit, where the fuck was he gonna get 50 quid, it’s not like he really actually had any friends or anything.

“Well, ill have to go and get it first won’t I”

“Alright son, see you later then”

As Danny went out of the front he had a slight idea where he’d get the money, I mean it was only 50 quid, and he lived in Leeds there’s loads of jobs for dealing.

**Author's Note:**

> Next chapter, Noah and Robert talk


End file.
